Happiness in my life comes in fleeting moments then disappears as if never there. Leaving a lingering of doubt at to whether it really happened or not.
I awake in the morning with a profound sense of a new day. Most times with eagerness , but never without that inkling of dread of what is to come.
I have chosen to accept this destiny for now, I know it is my choice and have not been forced into it. Hoping everyday I will become stronger and be able to eliminate the obstacle that keeps me from true happiness and contentment.
I struggle now to keep my mind occupied with other things, but it becomes more and more difficult as time goes by. I fight the feeling of resignation as I do not want to let go of myself and surrender to an acceptance of life I know is not what I deserve.
I run to and flee from the same entity always wondering how I could allow such a hold on me. I have no protection and no protector. I have no safe haven left. I built my castle but left holes in the walls. I have no safe place to go when I need one.
I must resolve myself to accept that my love comes with sadness, disrespect, frustration and sometimes fear, or… can I rise up and find the courage I once had and change the gloomy out come I see in the future.
I am good, I am kind, I am not perfect. Good and kind comes back to me in tiny pieces but always with a price. My mental cup of coins is depleting. What will the ultimate cost be? I do not want to be empty. I write to try to replenish, to rid myself of the torrent of thoughts that plague me on a daily basis. To give myself room in my head for my dreams and desires. To turn the light back on in that now dark room.
How can a person love someone yet treat them with such callousness? Are they just resentful, to much hatred and contempt in their heart they really cant love? Is there anything to help them or are they lost forever in a sea of insecurity and constant doubt that there is no hope. If so…how sad, as am I.
I feel as though I am losing my ability of free thinking. I am consumed by an overwhelming desire to be happy yet terrified to make the necessary steps forward. There was a time in my life I was strong and successful. I let my protective wall down and I’ve been ambushed. I’m not sure how to regroup. I do not want to shut the world out. Just don’t know how to rebuild what I’ve lost.